4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
