And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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