woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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