nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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