Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
