Who wears a wallet chain?!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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