if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize