ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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