is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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