Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
