The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
