I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
