just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
