I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
