i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
