Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
