just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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