it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
