I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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