thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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