Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize