k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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