She is in my trunk
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
