i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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