Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
