Plan B is the new Plan A
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
