Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
