Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
