YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
