Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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