Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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