Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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