...so i touched it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
