and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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