I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
