he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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