my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
