I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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