Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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