my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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