life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i need an iv and a liver transplant
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
