She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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