her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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