We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
