Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
