i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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