girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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