worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
