Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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