i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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