I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
