put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
