So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
