I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
